Which Neighbor Stole My Amazon Package?

The holiday season. A time to be with the ones you love. A time to buy gifts for the people you care about.

Presents are the best way to show someone how much you care. It’s like this tangible thing that you can point to and say, “Hey, man, I love you this many dollars worth.”

– Michael Scott

I shop early every year. I want to be done buying presents before Thanksgiving. That way, I can spend all of Black Friday buying stuff for myself online.

The other day I bought something for a family member. I used Amazon because I am not an idiot. I got a notification that my package was delivered. Sometimes the delivery person will take a picture of the package at my door. This time they didn’t.

I got home and didn’t see anything waiting for me at my door. Weird, but this has happened before. Sometimes the drivers will be one house off, no big deal. I peeked over to my neighbors porches – nothing there either.

I sprinted up the stairs of my two bedroom townhouse that I will be the proud owner of in just 27 years, or (27 years x 12 months do the math later and put it here instead of leaving the parenthesis here) more payments.

I checked my orders on my Amazon Prime membership account. This is what I saw:

For the uninformed – my roommate moved out. I am the only resident. I didn’t get any packages.

Which resident received my package? WHO HAS MY STUFF?

Someone received a package intended for me. My best guess is that it was one of my closest neighbors.

Getting To Know My Neighbors

Above is an exact scale drawing of my immediate neighbors.

Old Guy (Clint Eastwood)

This man lives at the end of my building. I walk by the entrance of his house multiple times a day – my dog pees in the grassy area right by his door. Sorry sir, my HOA dues pay for that grass too.

His garage is impeccably clean – with a shimmering coat of grey garage floor paint. In the back corer of his garage is a very organized collection of records.

This man doesn’t seem like the type to keep mail that does not belong to him. Maybe that is the perfect cover for this?

Old Asian Couple

I have never talked to these people – but we are constantly waving to each-other. They seem very kind, but there is definitely a language barrier here.

Portlandy Girl With Annoying Dogs

This girl moved in within the last year. I’ve talked to her a few times. I don’t remember her name, but I do remember that there was an unreasonable ratio of vowels to consonants.

HER. DOGS. ARE. THE. WORST. These two dogs may be the sole reason that people dislike small dogs. They are aggressive and beyond loud. This poor woman can’t take her dogs for a walk around the neighborhood without everyone knowing exactly where she is at. These dogs would be perfect for a blind person to use as seeing eye dogs – if that person were attempting to use echolocation.

The Russian Family

There is a good chance this family is Russian – I am certain that they are Eastern European. The old man works a lunch pail job. I see him daily walking from the parking area to his home with his igloo cooler in tow. We are big wave to each other neighbors. I believe this is a family of three that lives here – the man, his wife, and their 20 something year old son.

Yard Sale Family

There is one thing I am certain of in this world. If I am trying to sleep in on a weekend – this family will without a doubt be up at the crack of dawn selling something from their garage.

Bartender Guy and His Young Family

The only one of my neighbors to pet my dog – Bartender Guy.

Crossfit Couple

They just moved in, I have never talked to them. They are a pull into your garage immediately after work and not make an effort with your neighbors type. I don’t even know if they do crossfit, but they seem like they do.


This is tough. I know which way I am leaning, but I hate to accuse a neighbor without thinking this all the way through. I have laid out what I know about each household – the question remains – WHO STOLE MY AMAZON PACKAGE?

– Buzz

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