Clash With Coyote: How I Fought Off a Wild Animal With My Bare Hands to Protect My Dog

My dog has MANY health issues. Once in a while the poor little girl will battle with diarrhea. She is pretty good at waking me up and not having an accident in the house. Last night around 3:30 AM I heard a few whimpers from her – I threw on my coat, put on her harness, and we were off.

We usually take this path in between houses along our walk. There is a staircase with grassy areas – a pretty nice and secluded spot for a dog to take a dump. My dog decided that this was a good place to squat and pee – our walk would continue after this.

As my dog was concluding her piss, she scooted in front of me with her butt to the ground quickly – like she heard something behind us. She was scared. I turned around and heard something moving around in this tall grass. It arose from the grass, silhouetted by the moon – A COYOTE.

A few months ago, I woke up to the sound of a couple of coyotes tearing apart a cat in front of my house. It was horrifying.

Anyways, back to my story – there I am, 3:30 AM, wearing socks with flip flops (it’s a lifestyle choice I am proud of), camo sweats, and my purple East Carolina jacket. How in the hell am I going to protect my dog from this thing? My body reacts – fight or flight – and I let our the most guttural “RRRAAAAAAAARRRGH!” that I am able to muster. The coyote scooted off to the left, and me and my dog turn back quickly to head home.

Just as I wrap up the most animalistic growl my body can produce I see a man turn the corner. He looks pretty confused. It took me a few seconds to make the connection. Oh no, he took his dog out to the bathroom at the same time as me – I just screamed at his dog.

We had a good laugh about – nice meeting your Michael.

– Buzz

The Plastic Bag Ban In Oregon Is Bullshit

Starting on Jan. 1, 2020, Oregon retail stores and restaurants can no longer provide single-use checkout bags. They also must, in most instances, charge at least five cents for paper bags (with 40% or more post-consumer recycled content), reusable plastic bags (4 mils thick) and reusable fabric bags although restaurants may still provide paper bags at no cost.

This change was approved by the 2019 Oregon Legislature, which passed the Sustainable Shopping Initiative (House Bill 2509).

https://www.oregon.gov/deq/mm/production/Pages/Bags.aspx

On New Year’s Day this year I went to the grocery store to get some snacks. I wanted to lay belly-up and watch football all day. The girl I was dating had just gone home – so I was free to eat chips, drink soda, and fart the day away.

I strolled up to the counter at Albertsons. I was wearing my best camo sweatpants, flip flops (with socks), and my salute to service Cowboys hoodie (support the troops). Needless to say – I looked very presentable.

The lady at the register began to ring up my items. Sour Cream and Cheddar Ruffles. A six pack of Mini Cokes (I drank all six – but I feel better about it because they are smaller). Last but not least, a slice of chocolate cake.

The checkout lady gave me a look.

“Plastic please.” I said with a smile.

“We don’t do plastic anymore.” The vicious cunt at checkout scowled through the side of her mouth.

“Oh.”

“You can buy one of our reusable bags for a dollar – or this larger one for five dollars.”

“What do you have for normal people?”

“Well, I can give you a paper bag for five cents.”

“Yeah just do that.”

And with that, the VCaC (vicious cunt at checkout) began to jam shit into that paper bag as violently as she could.

I guess the point is – people in Portland need to lighten up. I obviously was unaware that this bag thing was taking place. I did not have a plan for my groceries. Instead of being awful about it, maybe just start to use a paper bag and charge me for it without asking.

I am NEVER EVER going to remember to bring a reusable bag to the grocery store. If I were to buy a bag for a dollar, or five dollars, it would just sit in the trunk of my car until the end of time.

– Buzz

UPDATE: Today I went to the same store and they sold me a reusable plastic bag for ten cents. I may not make a ton of money as a teacher, but I will never be such a poor that I reuse my plastic bag.

2020 UPDATE: Kevin Love And Klay Thompson Ruined My Little League Dreams But Who Is The Better Baseball Player Now?

This is Part 2 in a series of how I am a better baseball player than NBA All-Stars Kevin Love and Klay Thompson. Click below for Part 1 in this series:

Kevin Love And Klay Thompson Ruined My Little League Dreams But Who Is The Better Baseball Player Now?

We are now almost 19 years removed from the game that propelled Kevin Love and Klay Thompson toward NBA stardom – and me to an award winning career as an elementary school teacher.

Of course, I am talking about the District 4 Little League All-Star Championship game between Lake Oswego and Murrayhill in 2001.

The gloves are off at this point. Kevin and Klay have had about a year to respond now, and still nothing. Only crickets. KLAY YOU WERE A NON-FACTOR IN LITTLE LEAGUE DUDE.

The 2019 calendar year has come and gone – providing another opportunity for all three players (Kevin, Klay and myself) to further their baseball careers. So where do we stand – from a purely statistical perspective?

Baseball Statistical Breakdown

The last time we looked at this there was a clear winner – Player 1 dominated every statistical category from 2009-2011 and 2017-2018. Were things similar in 2019?

2019 Season

Across the board Player 1 (me) continued to prove that they are the better athlete and ballplayer through the 2019 season – competing in an incredibly prestigious independent baseball league. Player 2 (Kevin) and Player 3 (Klay) did not even attempt to improve their game – although they do get credit for their consistency.

I hate to toot my own horn – but Kevin and Klay, I’m better than you guys at baseball.

– Buzz

Looking Back: 2019 At Hefty Headlines

This was a big year for us at Hefty Headlines. 2019 was our first year of existence. What started as a hobby and a tool to make my friends laugh – has remained a hobby and a tool to make my friends laugh.

Some people are in the blog game to make money. I am no exception. I have never been a person to brag about myself, but some accomplishments (16 TD senior year of high school) have to be shared. Hefty Headlines received OVER $1 in advertising revenue in 2019.

Inside the Numbers

We had 5,859 unique visitors to Hefty Headlines – viewing the page a total of 11,756 times. We acquired almost two dozen followers on WordPress and four more than a baker’s dozen followers on Twitter.

Hefty Headlines was surprisingly visited from 62 countries – our most frequent visitors were from the United States, Canada, Germany, United Kingdom, Australia and India.

Most Viewed Blogs

January

Kevin Love And Klay Thompson Ruined My Little League Dreams But Who Is The Better Baseball Player Now?

These two cowards have still not made an official response to this claim.

February

Pissing Out My Asshole: Diarrhea At Disneyland And My Clash With Kaiser Permanente

My favorite thing I have ever written.

March

A Guy My Source Talked To Confirmed That The Belichick Era And The Patriots Dynasty Will Come To An End Soon

The source of my source has not been proven correct, yet.

April

How To Approach Women On Dating Apps – Part 1: Cracking The Code To Finding Your Soulmate

Tips for the fellas.

May

Fixing the Franchise: The Miami Marlins – Spring Training Through Opening Day 2019

The MLB The Show community on reddit was great for this project, I will continue to do this next season.

June

Is Alex Dickerson Better Than Mike Trout?

The answer, is yes.

July

Fixing The Franchise: The San Diego Padres – Spring Training 2019

Same thing with a new team.

August

Seahawks Preseason Week One Takeaways

Shoutout to @Reaves9.

September

College Football Overhaul: Conference Realignment

This was fun to work on, this continues to rack in the views.

October

Reddit User 615huncho615 Absolutely Destroyed Me Today – Is My Head Going To Be Cracked?

I forgot to mention this, I mean to write a blog and it never happened. 61 days after the fact – this guy came at me again.

November

What Actually Happened To My Cameroomie?

Does anyone know?

December

BREAKING: Jason Garrett Will Not Return As Head Coach Of The Dallas Cowboys in 2020 – SOURCE CONFIRMS

The national media still has not caught up with us.

What’s Next?

I have no idea. I will keep plugging along and see what we can make this thing. Comment below if there is anything you’d like to see from HH in 2020.

– Buzz

Which Neighbor Stole My Amazon Package?

The holiday season. A time to be with the ones you love. A time to buy gifts for the people you care about.

Presents are the best way to show someone how much you care. It’s like this tangible thing that you can point to and say, “Hey, man, I love you this many dollars worth.”

– Michael Scott

I shop early every year. I want to be done buying presents before Thanksgiving. That way, I can spend all of Black Friday buying stuff for myself online.

The other day I bought something for a family member. I used Amazon because I am not an idiot. I got a notification that my package was delivered. Sometimes the delivery person will take a picture of the package at my door. This time they didn’t.

I got home and didn’t see anything waiting for me at my door. Weird, but this has happened before. Sometimes the drivers will be one house off, no big deal. I peeked over to my neighbors porches – nothing there either.

I sprinted up the stairs of my two bedroom townhouse that I will be the proud owner of in just 27 years, or (27 years x 12 months do the math later and put it here instead of leaving the parenthesis here) more payments.

I checked my orders on my Amazon Prime membership account. This is what I saw:

For the uninformed – my roommate moved out. I am the only resident. I didn’t get any packages.

Which resident received my package? WHO HAS MY STUFF?

Someone received a package intended for me. My best guess is that it was one of my closest neighbors.

Getting To Know My Neighbors

Above is an exact scale drawing of my immediate neighbors.

Old Guy (Clint Eastwood)

This man lives at the end of my building. I walk by the entrance of his house multiple times a day – my dog pees in the grassy area right by his door. Sorry sir, my HOA dues pay for that grass too.

His garage is impeccably clean – with a shimmering coat of grey garage floor paint. In the back corer of his garage is a very organized collection of records.

This man doesn’t seem like the type to keep mail that does not belong to him. Maybe that is the perfect cover for this?

Old Asian Couple

I have never talked to these people – but we are constantly waving to each-other. They seem very kind, but there is definitely a language barrier here.

Portlandy Girl With Annoying Dogs

This girl moved in within the last year. I’ve talked to her a few times. I don’t remember her name, but I do remember that there was an unreasonable ratio of vowels to consonants.

HER. DOGS. ARE. THE. WORST. These two dogs may be the sole reason that people dislike small dogs. They are aggressive and beyond loud. This poor woman can’t take her dogs for a walk around the neighborhood without everyone knowing exactly where she is at. These dogs would be perfect for a blind person to use as seeing eye dogs – if that person were attempting to use echolocation.

The Russian Family

There is a good chance this family is Russian – I am certain that they are Eastern European. The old man works a lunch pail job. I see him daily walking from the parking area to his home with his igloo cooler in tow. We are big wave to each other neighbors. I believe this is a family of three that lives here – the man, his wife, and their 20 something year old son.

Yard Sale Family

There is one thing I am certain of in this world. If I am trying to sleep in on a weekend – this family will without a doubt be up at the crack of dawn selling something from their garage.

Bartender Guy and His Young Family

The only one of my neighbors to pet my dog – Bartender Guy.

Crossfit Couple

They just moved in, I have never talked to them. They are a pull into your garage immediately after work and not make an effort with your neighbors type. I don’t even know if they do crossfit, but they seem like they do.

RECAP

This is tough. I know which way I am leaning, but I hate to accuse a neighbor without thinking this all the way through. I have laid out what I know about each household – the question remains – WHO STOLE MY AMAZON PACKAGE?

– Buzz

I Decided To Stop Being Fat The Other Day: Mid-November Update

Weird – if you stop eating garbage and exercise regularly, you get in better shape. Who would have thought?

I started this crusade against being fat on September 3rd. Today – November 20th – I am down just about 20 lbs.

Here is a list of things that weigh 20 lbs:

  • A Wiener Dog
  • Two Gallons of Paint
  • Two Cats
  • Three Bricks
  • Four Chihuahuas
  • Nine Liters of Water

Now those are some terms I can understand. A little over two months ago I was walking around with an extra Four Chihuahuas hanging off of me? Yikes.

It is time to re-visit my rules and see how I have done so far.

Rules

Work out every day. Not like going for a walk. Like legit exercise. I have a Peloton and weights in my garage.

  • I have done 32 rides in that time span. About one every other day. I can do better than this.
  • Still – its kind of fun to look at the numbers. I have been on the bike for 1,007 minutestraveling 299.04 mileswhile burning 13,725 calories.

Eat better. Have a general meal plan for the day and stick to it. Be consistent. My buddy recommended Quest products. The chips are decent enough to help with snack cravings.

  • I have been eating better.
  • Quest products don’t taste great – but do the job.

Don’t be socially weird because you are trying to be healthy. I don’t go out every night. When I do go out – I’m not going to ruin everyone’s time and not drink or eat happy hour food.

  • Yup, easy. Still eating garbage and drinking when I go out.

No Coke. I love Coke. I do not need to drink it anymore.

  • I have had Coke. It is still my favorite drink. I have had less of it at least.

No fast food, especially McDonald’s.

  • Uhhhh, whoops. I’ve had McDonald’s three times. Worth it.

Hopefully I can keep this up – I will post another update after the holidays. Pretty happy with the progress I have made so far.


– Buzz

What Actually Happened To My Cameroomie?

For the uninformed – a Cameroomie is a roommate from Cameroon.

My previous roommate had an interesting story. An immigrant from Cameroom – he was lucky enough to come work in the United States. He found a career in IT – and seemed pretty successful.

An African man living the American dream. Not only was he providing for himself and his family – he was also eager to finally “get a fuck with white girl“.

We got along well. He was a big soccer fan – and loved Messi. He would also join me sometimes if I were watching a movie. There was a condition though – he would only watch “action movie with gun“.

When I quote my roommate I am not poking fun, I am quoting him directly. He was fluent in three languages from what I could tell. His English was passable – his French seemed fluent – and his French/English/Pidgin hybrid was efficient.

After about six months of living together – he went on a business trip to Houston. From what I knew, his sister also lived in Houston. His plan was to extend his business trip and spend some time with her.

A week later he came home – and all things seemed normal.

Until…

The late night phone calls increased. I would get up in the middle of the night and the conversations were so loud that I could hear every single word of what was being said on the WhatsApp version of Facetime. Unfortunately, I do not speak French – I have no idea what was being said.

Soon he approached me asking if I would be willing to go into business with him. From what he said, it didn’t really sound like a business. His Square Cash app got shut down from buying and selling Bitcoin. He wanted me to use my Square Cash app to buy Bitcoin for him and transfer it to his family in Africa. Sounds legit.

I thanked him for the opportunity – but reminded him that I was a public school teacher and did not have an abundance of extra cash on hand to briefly invest into a currency that I did not understand.

I also do not want to unknowingly fund any African warlords that he may or may not have been in contact with.

Although visibly frustrated – he ultimately accepted my lack of interest.

The following weekend I was spread out on the floor playing Madden. I had my headphones on and was also streaming a show – dang, what was I watching about a month ago? That was either during my Succession or Euphoria binge. Either way – he was being loud on WhatsApp-Facetime while cooking gizzards and whatever the hell else he ate. I decided to pause my show – but leave my headphones on. It was time to snoop.

Amongst all of the vegetable oil cracking and SPATTERING ALL OVER MY GOD DAMN KITCHEN, I overheard him talking to a woman. Dude, if you cook with that much oil – clean it up, you know?

Anyways, this was a new woman – based in Houston. From what I overheard – not a white woman.

She was a mother – I know this because she mentioned it non-stop. Also, her kids were equally as loud as the spattering oil that was without a doubt getting onto my hardwood floors.

The conversation got sexual. Very sexual.

I try to be sex positive, but I also like to keep my private life private. Kind of. Not really, but whatever. I also don’t really want to overhear my roommate WhatsApp-Facetime a mother of four and talk about how he is going to eat her for breakfast every day. Dude, relax. That is unrealistic.

Their conversation ended – he kept on cooking. I turned my show back on and moved on with my day.

My kitchen floor had always been a bit oily since he moved in. Probably from cooking with vegetable oil. Possibly from pre-cum as a result of his WhatsApp-Facetime excitement. I will never know.

Soon after – my roommate told me that his brother had been in an accident. I asked what kind of accident. He didn’t know. All he knew was that his brother was in a hospital in Dubai.

Days passed and more details came out. His brother was in a coma and had part of his skull removed due to swelling in his brain. Yikes.

More WhatsApp-Facetime, more Frech-Pidgin late night conversations, and finally some more details. My roommate tried to pay some cousins to go to the hospital and watch his brother. They took the money and got drunk and spent the rest on prostitutes.

Then finally – my roommate spoke with the hospital. According to the hospital, his brother needed a family member there with him or they were going to send him back to Cameroon. My roommate said this was a death sentence if he went to Cameroon – so he was going to make his way to Dubai to take care of his brother.

He didn’t know when he would be back – but he basically gave me the “I’m probably going to lose my job and have to move to Houston after I get back” talk.

Damn – there goes my roommate and extra income.

The following weekend he asked for a ride to the airport. He said he was on his way to Dubai and he would let me know what was going on in a few days. He packed up most of his belongings – put them in his car – and arranged for his friend to have his car shipped to Houston. He said his sister would receive his belongings and take care of all of that until he arrived back in the States.

He made one big mistake. Instead of booking a flight to Dubai – he told me he was flying to Houston first. Why would you fly to Houston first, and spend a few days there? If my brother were in another country and needed me in the hospital – I would use my Chase Disney Rewards Visa Card and book the first flight from Portland to Dubai. Why are we taking a layover in Houston buddy?

This is where I start to get suspicious. Let’s lay out the facts:

  • Came to Oregon from Houston.
  • Has friends and family in Houston.
  • Went to Houston on a business/pleasure trip
  • Video chatted a mother and discussed eating her vagina for breakfast.
  • That mother lives in Houston.
  • Brother gets injured.
  • Goes to Houston.

After going to Houston, my roommate sent me a few texts saying he arrived in Dubai. A few days after that I got a text stating that he would not be coming back to Oregon.

The question remains – did he actually go to Dubai? Instead of traveling to the Middle East – did he take a trip Down Under?

I need to dive further into this. Much of this story has yet to be told.

– Buzz

UPDATE: Reddit User 615huncho615 Has Clapped Back – Did I Clap Back Harder?

What a wild and emotional day this has been. I have suffered through a lot. I feel like I have persevered through this recent attack and come out a better man. I thought the fight was over, and then when I least expected it:

God damn dude. Zero debt!? And is this guy talking football or fútbol in Europe? Either way, kudos to him. He also has somehow managed to get a European football team to pay for his Master’s degree, which is a wild accomplishment.

As I prepared my response I decided to not acknowledge the Master’s degree comment or the fact that he has a job offer. I already received my Master’s Degree in Education – therefore mastering all of education. I also have a full time job AND run my own business (heftyheadlines.com).

This conversation has already moved way past the student loans, this guy’s head is spinning. Maybe HE was the one who got a cracked head when HE played football. It is cool and all that he may play football in Europe – but I am focused on my health – I probably won’t get CTE playing my PS4.

I feel bad doing this to 615huncho615, I really do. Some kids just need to learn their lesson. Well, here is my lesson for 615huncho615if you play with fire, you might get burned.

– Buzz

Reddit User 615huncho615 Absolutely Destroyed Me Today – Is My Head Going To Be Cracked?

Once in a while I will share a blog post on Reddit. I try to post within the correct community. For the most part – people have made me feel welcome.

Today my world was shattered, and my skull might be next. I shared a post about my latest Madden 20 Franchise to r/Madden. It didn’t get a ton of clicks. I got a few. One person commented and seemed interested.

Then, 615huncho615 showed up. A raging ball of testosterone – coming in to put me in my place.

Hey man, I have a life. My dog and I are doing quite well, thanks. I’ve also been outside before. Also, who is going to read all of this shit – dozens of people.

10/5

10/6

I have had more people view that single blog post than the number of people on a Little League baseball roster – two days in a row.

I decided to fight fire with fire. I love this blog – I put a ton of work into it. I refuse to be bullied by people like 615huncho615.

Digging back to my glory days always puts people in their place. I scored so many touchdowns in high school! I was a second team all league running back! I was pretty cool, he needed to know that.

I am not a nobody. I’m a somebody. This guy is badass though, “I would still use that tone and I still am,” shit. I wonder what his voice sounds like. For him to say, “quite obvious I never played ball,” is ridiculous. I had 16 touchdowns my senior year of high school alone. I balled out.

The next part is scary. He starts to get violent. “If you realized how many heads I cracked in college lmoa.” Jesus Christ. In what setting is it OK to crack people’s heads? I hope he is talking about football. Even if he is, what kind of helmets were people using?

Fine, time to fight fire with fire.

FACT and FACT. That’s a slam dude. How does that burn feel?

Thanks man, I was a great athlete. Like I said, 16 touchdowns my Senior year of high school. My big problem here is how he scoffs at the amount of scholarship money I was offered. $1500 is a significant sum of money – and that would have gone pretty far in a D2 college town.

I have worked hard to minimize my student load debt – and getting it down to $70K is a solid accomplishment. This guy does not even realize what he has gotten himself into.

FUCK. A full ride? Am I in the middle of a verbal altercation with Brian Cushing? James Laurinaitis? Paul Posluszny?

Going to school for free – anyone can do that. I did it from Kindergarten though my Senior year of High School (16 TDs). A real man wants to contribute to his University – in the form of thousands of dollars.

And with that, I shut him down. Looks like somebody got put in their place. If you come at the king, you best not miss.

– Buzz

I Decided To Stop Being Fat The Other Day

I have always thought of myself as athletic. Not like guy with a six pack athletic. More like a guy that plays real sports athletic. Not ripped, but also, nothing jiggles when I walk.

Hell, I scored 16 touchdowns my senior year of high school. Did you? Doubt it.

In my prime I was 6’1″ and 195 lbs. In my now, I’m not.

It is time to get back in shape. Here we go.

Rules:

  • Work out every day. Not like going for a walk. Like legit exercise. I have a Peloton and weights in my garage.
  • Eat better. Have a general meal plan for the day and stick to it. Be consistent. My buddy recommended Quest products. The chips are decent enough to help with snack cravings.
  • Don’t be socially weird because you are trying to be healthy. I don’t go out every night. When I do go out – I’m not going to ruin everyone’s time and not drink or eat happy hour food.
  • No Coke. I love Coke. I do not need to drink it anymore.
  • No fast food, especially McDonald’s.

Can I do all of this? Probably not. Let’s see what happens.

– Buzz