What Actually Happened To My Cameroomie?

For the uninformed – a Cameroomie is a roommate from Cameroon.

My previous roommate had an interesting story. An immigrant from Cameroom – he was lucky enough to come work in the United States. He found a career in IT – and seemed pretty successful.

An African man living the American dream. Not only was he providing for himself and his family – he was also eager to finally “get a fuck with white girl“.

We got along well. He was a big soccer fan – and loved Messi. He would also join me sometimes if I were watching a movie. There was a condition though – he would only watch “action movie with gun“.

When I quote my roommate I am not poking fun, I am quoting him directly. He was fluent in three languages from what I could tell. His English was passable – his French seemed fluent – and his French/English/Pidgin hybrid was efficient.

After about six months of living together – he went on a business trip to Houston. From what I knew, his sister also lived in Houston. His plan was to extend his business trip and spend some time with her.

A week later he came home – and all things seemed normal.


The late night phone calls increased. I would get up in the middle of the night and the conversations were so loud that I could hear every single word of what was being said on the WhatsApp version of Facetime. Unfortunately, I do not speak French – I have no idea what was being said.

Soon he approached me asking if I would be willing to go into business with him. From what he said, it didn’t really sound like a business. His Square Cash app got shut down from buying and selling Bitcoin. He wanted me to use my Square Cash app to buy Bitcoin for him and transfer it to his family in Africa. Sounds legit.

I thanked him for the opportunity – but reminded him that I was a public school teacher and did not have an abundance of extra cash on hand to briefly invest into a currency that I did not understand.

I also do not want to unknowingly fund any African warlords that he may or may not have been in contact with.

Although visibly frustrated – he ultimately accepted my lack of interest.

The following weekend I was spread out on the floor playing Madden. I had my headphones on and was also streaming a show – dang, what was I watching about a month ago? That was either during my Succession or Euphoria binge. Either way – he was being loud on WhatsApp-Facetime while cooking gizzards and whatever the hell else he ate. I decided to pause my show – but leave my headphones on. It was time to snoop.

Amongst all of the vegetable oil cracking and SPATTERING ALL OVER MY GOD DAMN KITCHEN, I overheard him talking to a woman. Dude, if you cook with that much oil – clean it up, you know?

Anyways, this was a new woman – based in Houston. From what I overheard – not a white woman.

She was a mother – I know this because she mentioned it non-stop. Also, her kids were equally as loud as the spattering oil that was without a doubt getting onto my hardwood floors.

The conversation got sexual. Very sexual.

I try to be sex positive, but I also like to keep my private life private. Kind of. Not really, but whatever. I also don’t really want to overhear my roommate WhatsApp-Facetime a mother of four and talk about how he is going to eat her for breakfast every day. Dude, relax. That is unrealistic.

Their conversation ended – he kept on cooking. I turned my show back on and moved on with my day.

My kitchen floor had always been a bit oily since he moved in. Probably from cooking with vegetable oil. Possibly from pre-cum as a result of his WhatsApp-Facetime excitement. I will never know.

Soon after – my roommate told me that his brother had been in an accident. I asked what kind of accident. He didn’t know. All he knew was that his brother was in a hospital in Dubai.

Days passed and more details came out. His brother was in a coma and had part of his skull removed due to swelling in his brain. Yikes.

More WhatsApp-Facetime, more Frech-Pidgin late night conversations, and finally some more details. My roommate tried to pay some cousins to go to the hospital and watch his brother. They took the money and got drunk and spent the rest on prostitutes.

Then finally – my roommate spoke with the hospital. According to the hospital, his brother needed a family member there with him or they were going to send him back to Cameroon. My roommate said this was a death sentence if he went to Cameroon – so he was going to make his way to Dubai to take care of his brother.

He didn’t know when he would be back – but he basically gave me the “I’m probably going to lose my job and have to move to Houston after I get back” talk.

Damn – there goes my roommate and extra income.

The following weekend he asked for a ride to the airport. He said he was on his way to Dubai and he would let me know what was going on in a few days. He packed up most of his belongings – put them in his car – and arranged for his friend to have his car shipped to Houston. He said his sister would receive his belongings and take care of all of that until he arrived back in the States.

He made one big mistake. Instead of booking a flight to Dubai – he told me he was flying to Houston first. Why would you fly to Houston first, and spend a few days there? If my brother were in another country and needed me in the hospital – I would use my Chase Disney Rewards Visa Card and book the first flight from Portland to Dubai. Why are we taking a layover in Houston buddy?

This is where I start to get suspicious. Let’s lay out the facts:

  • Came to Oregon from Houston.
  • Has friends and family in Houston.
  • Went to Houston on a business/pleasure trip
  • Video chatted a mother and discussed eating her vagina for breakfast.
  • That mother lives in Houston.
  • Brother gets injured.
  • Goes to Houston.

After going to Houston, my roommate sent me a few texts saying he arrived in Dubai. A few days after that I got a text stating that he would not be coming back to Oregon.

The question remains – did he actually go to Dubai? Instead of traveling to the Middle East – did he take a trip Down Under?

I need to dive further into this. Much of this story has yet to be told.

– Buzz