The Plastic Bag Ban In Oregon Is Bullshit

Starting on Jan. 1, 2020, Oregon retail stores and restaurants can no longer provide single-use checkout bags. They also must, in most instances, charge at least five cents for paper bags (with 40% or more post-consumer recycled content), reusable plastic bags (4 mils thick) and reusable fabric bags although restaurants may still provide paper bags at no cost.

This change was approved by the 2019 Oregon Legislature, which passed the Sustainable Shopping Initiative (House Bill 2509).

On New Year’s Day this year I went to the grocery store to get some snacks. I wanted to lay belly-up and watch football all day. The girl I was dating had just gone home – so I was free to eat chips, drink soda, and fart the day away.

I strolled up to the counter at Albertsons. I was wearing my best camo sweatpants, flip flops (with socks), and my salute to service Cowboys hoodie (support the troops). Needless to say – I looked very presentable.

The lady at the register began to ring up my items. Sour Cream and Cheddar Ruffles. A six pack of Mini Cokes (I drank all six – but I feel better about it because they are smaller). Last but not least, a slice of chocolate cake.

The checkout lady gave me a look.

“Plastic please.” I said with a smile.

“We don’t do plastic anymore.” The vicious cunt at checkout scowled through the side of her mouth.


“You can buy one of our reusable bags for a dollar – or this larger one for five dollars.”

“What do you have for normal people?”

“Well, I can give you a paper bag for five cents.”

“Yeah just do that.”

And with that, the VCaC (vicious cunt at checkout) began to jam shit into that paper bag as violently as she could.

I guess the point is – people in Portland need to lighten up. I obviously was unaware that this bag thing was taking place. I did not have a plan for my groceries. Instead of being awful about it, maybe just start to use a paper bag and charge me for it without asking.

I am NEVER EVER going to remember to bring a reusable bag to the grocery store. If I were to buy a bag for a dollar, or five dollars, it would just sit in the trunk of my car until the end of time.

– Buzz

UPDATE: Today I went to the same store and they sold me a reusable plastic bag for ten cents. I may not make a ton of money as a teacher, but I will never be such a poor that I reuse my plastic bag.

Which Neighbor Stole My Amazon Package?

The holiday season. A time to be with the ones you love. A time to buy gifts for the people you care about.

Presents are the best way to show someone how much you care. It’s like this tangible thing that you can point to and say, “Hey, man, I love you this many dollars worth.”

– Michael Scott

I shop early every year. I want to be done buying presents before Thanksgiving. That way, I can spend all of Black Friday buying stuff for myself online.

The other day I bought something for a family member. I used Amazon because I am not an idiot. I got a notification that my package was delivered. Sometimes the delivery person will take a picture of the package at my door. This time they didn’t.

I got home and didn’t see anything waiting for me at my door. Weird, but this has happened before. Sometimes the drivers will be one house off, no big deal. I peeked over to my neighbors porches – nothing there either.

I sprinted up the stairs of my two bedroom townhouse that I will be the proud owner of in just 27 years, or (27 years x 12 months do the math later and put it here instead of leaving the parenthesis here) more payments.

I checked my orders on my Amazon Prime membership account. This is what I saw:

For the uninformed – my roommate moved out. I am the only resident. I didn’t get any packages.

Which resident received my package? WHO HAS MY STUFF?

Someone received a package intended for me. My best guess is that it was one of my closest neighbors.

Getting To Know My Neighbors

Above is an exact scale drawing of my immediate neighbors.

Old Guy (Clint Eastwood)

This man lives at the end of my building. I walk by the entrance of his house multiple times a day – my dog pees in the grassy area right by his door. Sorry sir, my HOA dues pay for that grass too.

His garage is impeccably clean – with a shimmering coat of grey garage floor paint. In the back corer of his garage is a very organized collection of records.

This man doesn’t seem like the type to keep mail that does not belong to him. Maybe that is the perfect cover for this?

Old Asian Couple

I have never talked to these people – but we are constantly waving to each-other. They seem very kind, but there is definitely a language barrier here.

Portlandy Girl With Annoying Dogs

This girl moved in within the last year. I’ve talked to her a few times. I don’t remember her name, but I do remember that there was an unreasonable ratio of vowels to consonants.

HER. DOGS. ARE. THE. WORST. These two dogs may be the sole reason that people dislike small dogs. They are aggressive and beyond loud. This poor woman can’t take her dogs for a walk around the neighborhood without everyone knowing exactly where she is at. These dogs would be perfect for a blind person to use as seeing eye dogs – if that person were attempting to use echolocation.

The Russian Family

There is a good chance this family is Russian – I am certain that they are Eastern European. The old man works a lunch pail job. I see him daily walking from the parking area to his home with his igloo cooler in tow. We are big wave to each other neighbors. I believe this is a family of three that lives here – the man, his wife, and their 20 something year old son.

Yard Sale Family

There is one thing I am certain of in this world. If I am trying to sleep in on a weekend – this family will without a doubt be up at the crack of dawn selling something from their garage.

Bartender Guy and His Young Family

The only one of my neighbors to pet my dog – Bartender Guy.

Crossfit Couple

They just moved in, I have never talked to them. They are a pull into your garage immediately after work and not make an effort with your neighbors type. I don’t even know if they do crossfit, but they seem like they do.


This is tough. I know which way I am leaning, but I hate to accuse a neighbor without thinking this all the way through. I have laid out what I know about each household – the question remains – WHO STOLE MY AMAZON PACKAGE?

– Buzz